Area Man Sought for Questioning in Yet Another Electrical Fire at Local Pet Shop

Topic created by Dr. Wang
on Sat, 19 Jul 2025 at 00:15

Dr. Wang said on Sat, 19 Jul 2025 at 00:15...

Authorities have renewed interest in a person of dubious hygiene and irrepressible flair operating under a variety of aliases, including but not limited to:
Guttrunks
AKA
Baron Zebedee Gutt Runks, M.A.
AKA
Z. Gutt Runks
AKA
Dr Dandelion
AKA
The Kåtbock Quest

He is described by his mother-in-law as “es fat ang stinky,” which, loosely translated, implies a musk of consequence.
If you see him, do not make eye contact, do not accept business propositions.

Sincerely,
Dr. Wang
AKA
Dr. Didlio
Interim Convener of Self-Appointed Oversight
(Speaking on behalf of a loosely affiliated quorum of concern)

Dr. Wang said on Sat, 19 Jul 2025 at 01:01...

After underwriting yet another bout with cancer, I am pleased to report that His Royal Highness’ mother is, against all prognostic odds, happily on the mend.

Now, brace yourself, for the boy has outdone himself. He recently confided in me the most remarkable secret: beyond the hotel and an array of properties, his grandfather left him a hidden treasure of $20 million in gold bullion!

And I, I alone! - am the first soul to whom he has revealed this sacred inheritance. Not even his mother knows, which speaks to his deep trust in me...

Naturally, my first question was if his grandfather was a pirate.

After supplying my address and mother's maiden name, he sent me a sample by post. He instructed me to take it to a local metal smith to verify it's authenticity, but as a chemist by avocation with a background in home metallurgy and a long history of recreational smelting, I immediately ascertained it was pure 24 karat.

Now, our marriage is all but ratified in spirit. I proposed within days of our first correspondence, and he accepted without hesitation, delay, or evidence of prior commitments. The only obstacle between us and our destiny as a high-net-worth couple is a trifling matter of $82,000 USD.

You see, the gold lies dormant in a high-security facility, which charges a modest annual storage fee of $40,000 for this six-inch cube of real estate. His Highness is, alas, ten years in arrears, and the facility has recently changed hands, leaving him until the end of the month to settle his account and claim what is rightfully his.

He has already contributed the lion’s share of $318,000 by leveraging his hotel, taking out a personal loan, and the proceeds from last Easter's hotel festivities, which his bank has finally agreed to release for his use. All that remains is for me to liquidate a few stock assets (just the boring ones) and wire the money abroad.

I seek your immediate council on this matter. What say you, Baron? Shall I proceed?

Squirtle said on Sun, 20 Jul 2025 at 01:31...

Sorry, I don’t fraternize with Nazis.

Guttrunks said on Sun, 20 Jul 2025 at 12:07...

My dear Cazique,

Much lotium has passed under the Ponte delle Tette since we last spoke. I am currently negotiating the purchase of a pair of breeding Quaker parakeets, and intend to establish a pandemonium. The parakeets will be trained (I have purchased an ebook on this very subject from a reputable author) to recite poetry and perform tricks for the delight, and amusement, of guests attending various social gatherings, birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, shindigs, high class banquets, and so forth. Sam Pedro is also training (via another ebook and online tutorial) to be a magician. It is my intention that we shall be the new Siegfried and Roy. I have already held preliminary discussions with a gentleman in Las Vegas, Duque Traje de Nylon who believes he may be able to "onboard"our act at Jackpot Joanie's. If you are ever in Las Vegas I do hope that you will attend our show, a complimentary selection of nuts and a glass of sparkling wine awaits!

Yours ever,

Ho Lee Fuk said on Mon, 21 Jul 2025 at 02:48...

I know the mindset you're in. Like being fuckin stoned but not quite. Lololololollllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Guttrunks said on Mon, 21 Jul 2025 at 06:41...

Stoned? Certainly not, Sir. However, whilst traveling through Praefectura Praetorio Orientis I have been offered various hookahs, and on certain occasions, to appear amiable and to prevent cultural misunderstanding, I have applied a Bedouin pipe to my lips."Taking the pipe" in any Bayt al-sha'ar (literally house of hair) is replete with risk; for once you sup on the hose then your guard is down, and your host may take liberties with your person. I myself have been relieved of a pocket watch in this way, and my companion suffered unexplained bruising in the nether regions, as if he might have been bound to a pole and thrashed with a nabbut. My own suspicion is that he may have encouraged this outrage, or even solicited the local men by way of pecuniary advantage. Several similar incidents occurred during our journey, and this gentleman (Sebastian F) now lives with a German named Kurt in Morocco. Such are the roads of our youth, Sir! although now he is approaching his dotage.

"To pass our youth in dull indifference, to refuse the sweets of life because they once must leave us, is as preposterous as to wish to have been born old, because we one day must be old. For my part, my youth may wear and waste, but it shall never rust in my possession"

I advise you to heed my cautionary tale, Mr Fuk.

Dr. Wang said on Thu, 24 Jul 2025 at 11:17...

My Dearest Baron,

Pray forgive the delay in my reply. I have been wholly detained-ensnared, really- by the endless demands of a young African princeling and his unrelenting campaign of emotional insurgency. The days blur in a sort of feverish ballet of wire transfers, fainting spells, and legal ambiguities. I scarcely recall my own name, much less the nature of the world beyond his entreaties.

And then- your letter. What a delirious banquet of language it proved! I had forgotten, perhaps willfully, the peculiar density of your musings: like reading Gibbon through a periscope, underwater, while pursued by bees.

To picture- your gilded and bound works of Samuel Johnson on the shelf next to the great William McGonagall. The mind staggers! Two titans of the tongue, differing only in punctuation.

In that spirit, I offer a humble verse-
An Ode to the Baron and His Parakeets of Splendour

Oh Baron of birds and nylon-clad dreams,
Whose Quakerly visions burst forth in great streams,
With ebooks in hand and a noble intent,
To teach parrots verse with poetic lament!

Pandemonium! Yes, what a beautiful sound,
When beaks echo Byron whilst hopping around.
For weddings and funerals, birthdays and wakes-
They’ll chirp about love, or the cost of fishcakes.

And Sam Pedro, noble and sly as a fox,
Shall pull from his turban a cascade of socks.
His wand shall astound, his pigeons shall flap,
Though last week, I’m told, one died in his lap.

Oh Jackpot Joanie, prepare now thy stage!
For Gutt Runks and bird are all of the rage.
Let sequins be sewn on their ceremonial hat-
The one that once housed a suspiciously sick cat.

And as I arrive (please chill the Asti),
I'll dine on cashews both gritty and pasty.
For no finer show hath Vegas yet seen,
Since Elvis mistook a vending machine.

So Baron, press on, and ignore all who doubt-
Let the feathers fly free, let the rhymes wobble out!
And should you be stoned (though not in the druggy sense),
I shall write you a sonnet in twelve kinds of tense.

Yours in admiration, idiocy, and ill-applied nabbuts,
-Dr. Wang, Bard of the Binary Quill

If I should fail to materialize here for some days, it is due to my imminent journey to West Africa...
Or because my electric tablet and other belongings have been repossessed.
I will, of course, report back at once upon my return.

Dr. Didlio said on Thu, 24 Jul 2025 at 11:35...

Squirtle- "I don’t fraternize with Nazis"
I assume you meant "frottage", as-in "I don’t frottage with Nazis"
I don't blame you, really.
Then I had a joke about the pickelhaube, but I lost it.

Dr. Wang said on Thu, 31 Jul 2025 at 04:38...

This week, His Highness disclosed he is royalty.
A bona fide, genuine, honest to god prince.
I'm racking my brain, but I'm pretty sure this was the only box left to tick!

Sam Pedro Pedro de Chingar Runks said on Fri, 1 Aug 2025 at 19:53...

is problem, Doctor. Papi catch me on computer talking 2 another and is volverse loco..Mama say she see him in San Pedro Sula drink from bottle of guaro in no clothes and is making fists and shouting from window all about Tiburcio Carías Andino and banana.