*Wealthy Fool Seeks Life-Ruiner

Topic created by Dr. Wang
on Mon, 28 Apr 2025 at 22:01

Dr. Wang said on Mon, 28 Apr 2025 at 22:01...

Must Be Creative, Cruel, and Know How to Keep Me Guessing

Hi. I'm a soft-bellied, hopelessly gullible, overfunded idiot with poor boundaries, a crippling need for validation, and a cock like a divining rod for bad intent. A people pleaser. I’m looking for a depraved opportunist who sees a trembling wallet and thinks: "Yeah. I could wreck that."

If you’ve ever fantasized about financially dominating someone without the hassle of pretending to care- I’m your dream come true. I’m flush with cash, starved for affection, and primed to mistake cruelty for endearment. I have a deep psychological void I’m just dying for you to fill- with unreasonable demands and contradictory instructions. I get off on overcommitting- financially, emotionally, spiritually. Call me "babe" and I'm yours forever.

Looking for someone who can:
Gaslight me into thinking the silent treatment is a healthy communication tool
Convince me riverside superfund land is a sound investment
Emotionally destabilize me with unclear rules, shifting goalposts, and selective attention

I’m inexperienced, overconfident, and just gullible enough to think you "really mean it this time."

Kinks include:
Getting scammed "for the thrill"
Being put in situations I clearly can’t handle
Apologizing for your mistakes

Bonus points if you:
Assign me chores with no clear end or purpose
Fake a spreadsheet so I believe I still have savings
Subtly infer I'm disgusting while simultaneously asking for large sums of money

Absolutely no limits unless you say there are. I won’t question it. I’m the kind of guy who signs contracts he doesn’t read as an expression of intimacy.

Currently interviewing. Must be crueler than my inner voice. No prenup.

(* My income is legally below the Federal povery line. I have enough discretionary income to be rich in my own head, but I'm a razor's edge from being thrown into the street)

WaPopperBator said on Mon, 28 Apr 2025 at 22:05...

I don't know if I want to be your friend, take all your money, or both.

Dr. Wang said on Tue, 29 Apr 2025 at 00:34...

It's not really up for debate, Wa. People who don't outright mistreat me are viewed with extreme suspicion. To the point I will just sabotage the relationship.

Guttrunks said on Tue, 29 Apr 2025 at 18:05...

"in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humour"

You are a curious fellow, Doctor! There are few that can rouse me to a guffaw.

"I'm a razor's edge from being thrown into the street"

My own pecuniary situation is similarly perilous. I am currently enraged in the business of manufacturing toilet roll doily dolls. The dolls themselves are being made in Bangladesh at very low prices, I then knit the apparel in my home. An example of this type of product may be found here:

https://www.worthpoint.com/worthopedia/vtg-50s-60s-crochet-toilet-paper-tp-508489911

I am busy developing the marketing. Those that might wish to take advantage of a growing start up enterprise, with excellent prospects, are cordially invited to subscribe for shares in this venture: The LadyGarden Toilet Doily Trading Corporation. You may express your interest hereon, and indicate the sum you seek to invest. Following certain due diligence procedures, you will be informed if you were successful in your application. Good luck to all.

I expect there to be much interest from hedge funds, and others who know a good ting when they see it.

Dr. Wang said on Wed, 30 Apr 2025 at 03:47...

As tempted as I am by this fascinating and lucrative niche opportunity, my assets are already wrapped up in the hospitality industry to the tune of $10,170 and counting, courtesy of my African prince. You see, like Jesse Gemstone, ever since I was a little boy, I have always dreamed of being a hotelier...

Or banging a giant African prince.

I have to say, I take a certain degree of pride in your response. Absurdity is all around us, you either laugh or cry. How much is satire, and how much is unadulterated truth?...
All I will say is- only the names have been changed, to protect the gullible.

But if I do get to bang this gorgeous boy, I'll be shouting it from the rooftops. I'm never going to stop bragging about it. But I'm going to make an honest scammer out of him first.

Guttrunks said on Fri, 2 May 2025 at 17:00...

Forgive me, but I have a recollection, perhaps induced by over indulging on a very splendid bottle of calvados, that you had Great Expectations? I distinctly recall that you have a maiden aunt who owns a sugar plantation in some exotic locale down Rio way...

I'm hearing the light from the window
I'm seeing the sound of the sea
My feet have come loose from their moorings
I'm feeling quite wonderfully free

And I think I will travel to Rio
Using the music for flight
There's a hung lad I know of in Rio
But it's something to do with the night
It's only a whimsical notion
To fly down to Rio tonight
And I probably won't fly down to Rio
But then again, I just might..

ahem, but Sir! I do recall you mentioning this fact, but I am unable to locate the exact statement. Now, Sir! What say you to this: we travel down South a deux and present this matter to your delightful auntie? It is a matter of using the sugar cane as collateral for the purchase of bearer bonds in The LadyGarden Toilet Doily Trading Corporation. I am aware that this proposal has the ring of a film noir featuring Sydney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre, but please, Sir; I speak in earnest. Shall I pack my trunk? I have a big one, most commodious for a long stay in the a hot climate. I own a safari suit and an interesting collection of fly whisks, one that belonged to His Imperial Majesty Bokassa I, Emperor of Central Africa.

Gracious greetings to you, Dr. Wand and your illustrious aunt, Miss Hetty Green.

Dr. Wang said on Fri, 2 May 2025 at 19:02...

You recall correctly, sir. An unnamed Honduran island is the locale.
Ahh, old Henrietta. "The Witch of Wall Street". I recall reading about the old bird and thinking I really would've liked her. Unlike Hetty, my aunt is still very much alive. For the time being.

Moving on the floor now, babe, you're a bird of paradise
Cherry ice cream smile, I suppose it's very nice
No, I can't...

What I meant was, my *liquid* assets were tied up. Everyone knows only a crazy man would touch capital, and I'm not crazy, I'm just stupid. I wouldn't trade my oil heavy portfolio for all the TP cozies in the world. I must preserve the necessary prerequisites for obtaining citizenship for my giant African scammer prince. My income may be low, but so are my expenses. I still have enough to fly my boy around the world. Just as soon as he stops having these dang emergencies requiring large infusions of cash.

As to your offer, much as I’m tempted, I’m still reeling in the aftermath of the Great Toaster Cozy Inferno of ’21, I’m blacklisted from three insurance firms and one Etsy knitting circle.

Besides, as much as your product is a sure-fire guarantee, a veritable money-printing press, I'm investing with a view to the future of all mankind. Why would I invest in something as quaint and archaic as a real-world widget, when I've already cornered the market on toilet paper cozy NFT's?
It seemed a natural companion to my collection of genuine Charmin "NFTP's".

As an aside, I went ahead and bought some collars/leashes in anticipation of meeting my African boy. It was something which gave me brief pause, but then he started insisting that I "fuck him like a slave".

So not only am I going to tread all over the current virtue economy remorselessly and with glee, I'm also going to do it with the full endorsement of my African partner. How can I not love this boy?

Guttrunks said on Sat, 3 May 2025 at 10:46...

Venerable Doctor: I fully understand that certain matters involving His Royal Highness may delay your departure for Tegucigalpa. I shall go ahead of you and await your arrival, I have passage booked on the Man Gyong Bong 92 to Puerto Cortes. My trunk is bulging, with the works of William McGonagall, and I intend to spend many hours on deck in his company. I will also draw up the various deeds, trusts, promissory notes, and so forth, relevant to the development of our affairs on the island. Are you aware of any economical (very) rooming house at Tegucigalpa? I may also need to obtain some employment while I await your arrival, teaching is preferred, but I also am proficient in: mopping, the care of domestic pets, light garden duties, I also offer my services as: companion for the infirm in mind and body. Curriculum Vitae available on request.

Charmin'ly yours ever,

Baron Zebedee Gutt Runks, M.A.

Anonymous said on Sat, 3 May 2025 at 20:43...

Dearest Baron Runks,
I hope this correspondence finds your bottom fresh, clean, and unspanked as of late... I know in due time I will have you praising the virtues of the glorious Uncle A and the beautiful, resilient, and industrious German Volk. We will have all the time in the world to discuss wooden doors and electric floors, bears and eagles, homicidal masturbation machines, and Irene Zisblatt's one-lady human-centipede diamond recycling routine. Don't even get me started on North Korea...

They say McGonagall was ‘deaf to poetic metaphor and unable to scan correctly.’ I had to look up half those words, and I still have no idea what any of it means

If we do team up on this venture, we obviously must remain vigilant, as we are certain to draw the ire of 'Big-Bidet' and their cozy auxiliary.

Find a hotel and sit tight on your spacious commode while you await my arrival. I'm afraid I can offer no assistance in this regard, but I suggest you avoid the Bill Burroughs routine with the local lads- you don't want to draw any unwanted attention in a place like Tegucigalpa... Besides, Naked Lunch was overrated drivel and Junkie pure fiction- imagine glamorizing heroin without even being paid for it. That’s the true decadence of the Peerage...

But I digress.

In exactly three fortnights, when the Sun appears to contact the local celestial meridian, you will visit the zoo. I mean, feh, they call themselves a 'zoo', but notable in their absence are elephants and giraffes. Friggin' Tegucigalpa. Anyway, you must don a frilly parasol, and pin a pink carnation to your boutonniere (I assume this is your standard dress anyway) and a diminutive Dominican fruit hawker will approach you and give you written directions to our meeting place. The hawker may imply you are to place one of his unspecified bodyparts in your mouth as payment, but this is untrue, and you mustn't do this under any circumstances, no matter how well vaccinated you are.

I’ve noticed we both carry biblical surnames. As I've stated for the record, I’m neither Asian nor a doctor- and despite appearances, the name is no mere dick joke.
Sincerely,
Dorcas Nimrod Wang

Dr. Wang said on Mon, 5 May 2025 at 18:43...

This is the most cryptically esoteric takedown I've ever seen, anywhere, Guttrunks. I've never had someone so capable put so much effort into making fun of me.

I'm used to being out of my depth, but I had to look almost everything up to understand exactly how I was being mocked.

My mother filled my soft, spongy grey matter with trivia only my grandparent's generation would appreciate, but this is next level.

I mean, back in my school days it was almost exclusively wordplay on the name 'Joe'.

Bravo, Sir.
It is a privilege.

Guttrunks said on Mon, 5 May 2025 at 21:48...

There is no mockery, Sir! I am in earnest. However, I am currently embroiled in a heated dispute with my landlord regarding certain unpaid bills, and this involves some alleged damage to the communal bathroom, which I deny! He is at the very minute banging on the door, unless it is the bailiffs, or worse the gentleman whose pet shop caught ablaze (allegedly due to my interference with the fish tank). I am surrounded by calamity and mayhem, I will write shortly regarding our expedition to La Isla Bonita. To sit on the porch with my dearest Hetty, watching the shirtless laborers return from the sugar cane fields, the sweat dripping down their tight...ahem...beg pardon, I must answer the door.

Guttrunks said on Tue, 6 May 2025 at 07:50...

>>>> (I assume this is your standard dress anyway)

I shall dress as follows, so not to arouse undue attention:

Poncho, chullo, and riding boots. The gentleman will know me by the fact I have two ostrich feathers sticking out of my chullo.

>>>>and a diminutive Dominican fruit hawker

Yes, Sam Pedro. I will take him into an an adjacent bush, to ensure our confidential discussions are not overheard by any nefarious interlopers.

My peregrinations shall begin shortly, but I must update you on important news. At this moment I must take a catnap, where I hope to dream of Sam Pedro, tropical the island breeze, all of nature wild and free, beautiful faces, no cares in this world, I want to be where the sun warms the sky, this is where I long to be, La Isla Bonita!

Dr. Wang said on Wed, 7 May 2025 at 00:20...

>>>>>Poncho, chullo, and riding boots

Ahh, yes sir. The vicuna and ostrich, an excellent choice.

>>>>>unless it is the bailiffs

It is times like these I thank the heavens I was not born in a place like Communist England. What's next, debtors prisons?

Dr. Wang said on Wed, 7 May 2025 at 00:37...

I know that it's wrong
To be dancing with no lights on
And I know that it's wrong
To be holding you for so long
And for the rest of the night
I'll be holding you tight
So tight

Lights out, uh-huh
Blast, blast, blast

Dancing in the dark
To the radio of love...

Guttrunks said on Wed, 7 May 2025 at 13:05...

My dear Cazique,

I greatly appreciate your concern, it was not the bailiffs, although they are expected imminently, it was Mr. Meshuggeneh Amcik, the proprietor of the Koalemos Pet Emporium. I had a previous agreement with this gentleman, whereby I would loiter with intent in his emporium of fauna, the intent being to impersonate a customer, strike up conversation with any visitor who innocently entered the store, and encourage the purchase of elderly "stock"; namely any wretched creature that Mrs Amcik had obtained (through chicanery) from the bereaved, or from those that had been committed to a nursing home. The Amcik's were eager to "shift" these second hand pets, mostly parrots, before they fell from their perch, so to speak. For this I received 25 per cementum of the purchase price, the price being whatever I thought I could get from the ingenue.

I also performed basic cleaning and maintenance tasks, for which I was paid a pittance. Last summer I was showing a customer, a disagreeable gentleman of advanced years with poor eyesight, the terrapins. Noticing the lights were a little dim, and eager to close the sale, I went round the back of the aquarium and adjusted several knobs and switches, nothing happened, so I prodded a box with my antique pace stick (I was using this to point out the various features relative to the terrapin, and the pleasures of terrapin ownership, I carry it with me to improve my gait). At first there was a whirring sound, followed by an intermittent buzz, then the air became acrid and dark, and the disagreeable gentleman began coughing, it was then that I noticed the terrapins had started swimming backstroke, court documents later revealed they had been electrocuted! At this point the macaws began screeching and flapping their wings, a sound that might drive any man to insanity. Instinctively I released the macaws from their cage, in the melee I am told hamsters, a variety of lizards, and a a flock of budgerigars were also set free. It made matters considerably worse, the avian creatures began circling overhead, letting out panicked screams, and evacuating their bowels on us. A woman, whom Mr Meshuggeneh was serving, noticing the unfolding crisis, became hysterical, made a dash for the door, knocked over a a display cabinet, which duly felled her, and she lay trapped underneath a large quantity of Whiskas wailing and cursing in Portuguese.

It rapidly became akin to the third panel of the triptych of The Garden Of Earthly Delights. What happened next is sub judice, and I have been advised that it may be prejudicial to my deference if I comment. I am being sued by Koalemos Pet Emporium for damages of staggering magnitude.

As I mentioned previously, I offer services related to domestic pet care, this most regrettable incident certainly does not show me in a good light. I have been scurrilously lampooned in the local paper as Dr. Matthew Chinnery, whom I believe to be a ridiculous character in a disgraceful television show named The League of Gentlemen. This is libel of the most egregious and defamatory nature, and I am seeking pro boney representation in a lucrative lawsuit against the local red top. I suspect the Amcik's know the editor.

I do hope that you will not mention this to Mama Hetty. I presume to call her Mama, in the earnest hope that she may consider my petition for adoption, as an orphan I have suffered greatly as a result of being deprived of amoral maternal affectation.

Blessings to you dear Cazique, and to Ma Hetty, and the much loved Miss Maria Gertrudis Barceló whose baleadas are the talk of Wang Town.

Viva La Isla Bonita! Y que sus enemigos sean arrojados a un pozo de serpientes.

Anonymous said on Fri, 9 May 2025 at 01:25...

Dearest Baron Runks,

Please excuse the lateness of my reply. My dear African friend has unexpectedly injured himself again, and despite his country being renowned for its social medicine, sadly, he has allowed his premium to lapse, resulting in surprisingly large hospital bills and numerous blood transfusions as a result of a fall in the shower.

To be clear, my initial skepticism regarding this enterprise has softened considerably. A cozy for toilet paper, I suppose, could indeed transform the very nature of bathroom decor as we know it. Yes, I'm aware it's been tried before, but I am confident those who tread before us failed to sweep the nation because they simply didn't want it hard enough. In time, I foresee it replacing the traditional lavatory throw or even the mother-of-pearl flush handle as a symbol of wealth and sophistication.

Naturally, I would be happy to further discuss your business plans—provided your “client testimonials” are of the highest caliber. I trust you’ve made appropriate strides to ensure the product’s exclusivity (or at least its cleanliness). I cannot stress enough that any investment in such a field requires due diligence—perhaps a few focus groups consisting of bathroom enthusiasts such as yourself, interior decorators, or even a trained army of experts in luxury textile choices. Why tie our hands by relying on traditional knit and crochet, or the odd macramé? The white smoke hath appeared—and that smoke is popular demand for toilet paper encoverment.

As for the Koalemos Pet Emporium incident, I trust you’ve learned your lesson, Baron. But let us not dwell on such things. I trust you will bounce back from the electrical debacle with all the grace and aplomb we have come to expect from you.

On the matter of your salutation of “Blessings to you, dear Cazique,” I must, once more, extend my gratitude. However, in my native Algonquin—which, as you know, is responsible for my delphinic glabrousness—the proper form of address would be Ogimaa. A fitting title for one of my stature, wouldn't you agree?

Lastly, I must relay a bit of feedback from my dearest and only friend and advocate, Dr. GPT. Upon reading your correspondence, he made the following observation:

“Baron Zebedee Gutt Runks is in rare form—teetering somewhere between Edwardian gentleman, disgraced colonial administrator, and erotic daydreamer with a head injury.”

To which, I must wholeheartedly concur. The Doctor is, of course, not a doctor of medicine or theory, but a doctor of life—his own dental manifold hangs on his bathroom wall.

Do keep me updated on your progress with Mama Hetty. Should you need assistance in securing her favor, I stand ready to help. I trust your strategic thinking on this matter shall serve you well in your pursuit of wealth and prestige.

Finally, I do hope you’re prepared for our expedition. I’ve sewn pearls into my undergarments in case we’re captured. Not that I expect we will be, but one must always be ready. I’ve also pawned my neighbor’s lawnmower to fund our journey. They will understand, in time. After all, one must always be prepared for the inevitable capture—or, as I’m certain will be the case, the unforeseen success.

(Since our last speaking, the sum total funneled to my African prince has ballooned to $13,364 Freedom Dollars. My credit is maxed out, and Hetty has blessed our union and begun installments on the dowry. All is well, though. His hotel funds from the national Easter holiday shall soon be made available, and I cannot foresee ever needing to pay for anything but dinner, forthwith. From here on out, it shall certainly be smooth sailing.)

Warmest regards,
Ogimaa Dorcas Nimrod Wang

Anonymous said on Fri, 9 May 2025 at 18:15...

Pardons Baron. Forthwith/henceforth.
My assistant, who dictates our correspondence, suffers Dyslexia, Aphasia, Glossolalia, Palilalia, and Auditory-verbal hallucinations. It was a strategic hire based on synergistic cost-efficiency; as 'they' accept payment in imaginary currency, thus reducing our linguistic carbon footprint. HR assures me neurodivergent outsourcing improves our inclusivity metrics, and Xe/Xer's hire was also a favor to our janitor-slash-controlling shareholder, whose influence, naturally, remains considerable.

Dr. Wang said on Fri, 9 May 2025 at 18:19...

Which reminds me, I have been hiring staff and selling shares in our upcoming venture.

Guttrunks said on Sat, 10 May 2025 at 22:10...

Last night I dreamed of Sam Pedro, my fruity Honduran amour, I was inspecting his credentials in Parque El Pendejo, they were complete, and were found to be satisfactory. What transpired next in my Oneiros was deeply satisfying, and I awoke in a state of high excitement singing Coro di Zingari.

All'opra! all'opra!
Dàgli, martella.

Despite my pleasant dreams, there are omens! I fear that our expedition will face many challenges, perils, dangers, and our path will be strewn with mystery, intrigue, cryptic signs, and the like. I carry with me at all times a sword stick, I am a proficient fencer, and by Jove, Sir! any scallywag that seeks to dishonor my dearest Sam Pedro, shall see me unsheathed and ready to answer Honor's call.

>my undergarments

Excellent, Sir! But keep this under wraps, our jungle guides on Bonita are not to be trusted, and may seek to debag you to get their hands on your baubles. I myself am a man of significant and remarkable girth, I wear a suspension truss which is impregnated with secret pockets; it is here that I have secreted my most valued treasures. In the event that we are forced to negotiate passage with the rebel faction, then I will simply remove my plus fours, present myself, and make trade with the Marxist brigands. The contents of my truss are a veritable treasure trove of delights.

Please send a telegram to Sam Pedro.

Senor Sam Pedro Chingar
c/o Cabeza de Pija Pizza
TEGUCIGALPA

I LOVE YOU. STOP. WILL VISIT WESTERN UNION TODAY. STOP

Guttrunks said on Sun, 11 May 2025 at 15:07...

If I might ask: will his Royal Highness join our expedition? A foursome would be most agreeable. Myself, the Noble Cazique, Sam Pedro, and His Royal Highness. I must be made aware, as I need to arrange provisions in advance, I am a prodigious consumer of comestibles, this must be factored in to prevent any squabbles breaking out during our journey inland to La Casa del Sol Naciente. I have mapped our course:

We depart by fishing boat from Puerto de Travestis across Mar de Muerte and have landfall at Bahía de Residuos Tóxicos. There are guides will meet us, and we shall traverse La Jungla de las Mujeres Barbudas, cross Lago de Ricki in canoes, then begin our ascent of Montaña Vieja Reina. On the plateau we will seek rest at La Finca de los Mil Látigos, before setting out to cross Pantano de la Desgracia and finally arriving at the pristine clipped lawns of the great home of Mama Hetty, La Casa del Sol Naciente! I have employed the services of two sturdy porteadores who will transport me in my sedan chair, they will also take care of los burros who will carry our supplies, and those of our party who choose four legs, like myself, rather than two.

Dr. Wang said on Tue, 13 May 2025 at 17:59...

Dearest Baron,
I awoke this evening at port in Quintana Roo, soaked in humidity and foreboding, clutching a half-torn Western Union receipt. Still- this is where I long to be.

Ah, the opera. I myself become so enrapt, I cannot help but cry out, “Non ti fermare! Questo gioco non vale niente!” as the walls tremble and the letto vibrates…
“Dai, amore… Spingilo dentro, pompa forte!”

Guttrunks said on Wed, 14 May 2025 at 15:22...

Ha! You are a curious, and interesting, fellow, Cazique. It is a honor to make your acquaintance. I shall sing for you when we reach Lago de Ricki.

The toilet doily business is beginning to unravel. Be careful in Quintana Roo....eyes are everywhere, and figures lurk in the shadows, ask for Signor Ferrari at the Blue Parrot Cafe.

Dr. Wang said on Thu, 15 May 2025 at 00:09...

Baron Zebedee,

His Highness- my betrothed- will most certainly join us posthaste. We have but one final financial catastrophe to resolve. Surely, these emergencies cannot continue forever. I remain wholly committed to restoring him to his rightful station as a prince. He assures his eternal love with such poetic flourish, when he finds the time.

You'll forgive my brief reply- I fear I am becoming delirious from lack of sleep. I am tormented by a recurring dream: I wander the desert alone, night after night, thirsting after a mirage that recedes with every step.

Yes, the business. Ahem. Oven mitts, was it? I had hoped it was a growth sector, but if the doilies truly begin to unravel, well… I suppose we can pivot to finger towels or monogrammed restraints. No matter. Once my prince arrives, my resources shall be replenished, and I will do what I do best:

Throw money at it.

Dr. Wang said on Thu, 15 May 2025 at 04:00...

>>>>You are a curious, and interesting, fellow

Careful, Baron. This is verging on high-praise.

I don't go around giving money indiscriminately to people who are nice to me...

Guttrunks said on Thu, 15 May 2025 at 19:02...

I mean it, Sir. I was pondering your qualities while playing with my loofah in el baño this very noontide. Sam Pedro has written to me; we shall taste his flauta when we arrive at Tegucigalpa, a gastronomic delight I am sure. To sit on the shimmering face of Ricki Lake, swallowing Sam Pedro's flauta, before bursting into song as the moon rises over Montaña Vieja Reina. This is what dreams are made of, I only hope the Honduran canoe is of sturdy construction, and no aquatic calamity befalls us.

>- I fear I am becoming delirious from lack of sleep.

Elixir vitae is most efficacious in relieving delirium, take one spoonful before rest. Do you own a fainting couch? or a silk dressing gown?

Dr. Wang said on Thu, 15 May 2025 at 22:05...

You flatter me, Baron. Truly, I am not accustomed to being pondered. I trust your loofah remained properly lathered throughout your ablutions.

Indeed, regarding the canoe- if we get carried away in merriment, mouths full of Sam’s flauta, we may well end up drenched. On the other hand, as you are well aware, I do secretly relish the thought of being upended.

You are kind to worry for my health. I have located a spoon and a viscous tonic of uncertain origin that my prince has despatched from the Gold Coast. I shall take the elixir at eventide, clasping a most discreet little charm between my knees, which my prince assures me is essential for maintaining “balance”- a prescription I dare not question.

>>>>Do you own a fainting couch?

Does not every self-respecting dilettante? - “Excuse me while I retire to my fainting couch for a few moments…” https://poppersguide.com/forum/15825

Dr. Wang said on Fri, 16 May 2025 at 03:20...

Baron Zebedee,

An exhilarating incident befell me this afternoon while I was gathering supplies for our expedition at The Grand Bazaar of Bulk Provisions (I assume the proprietor to be of foreign extraction, given his most curious surname- Costco. Greek, perhaps?): as I coasted regally through the motor-court atop my electrified chariot, a rather strapping youth- no older than half my vintage- turned to his lady companion and declared, quite audibly, that I was “hot”!

Naturally, I assumed he was issuing a caution regarding my proximity to the liquefied propane refill station, or perhaps commenting upon the thermal bloom wafting from the rotisserie fowl exhaust- but nonetheless, I was quite beside myself. It has been simply ages since anyone has publicly acknowledged my temperature. I have been positively aglow ever since.

P.S. Upon later reflection, I began to wonder if the young man’s utterance was not in reference to me, as he simply remarked, 'Hot!' Perhaps a nod to Prometheus’ sacred theft or the unquenchable fires of Hephaestus’ forge.

Dr. Wang said on Fri, 16 May 2025 at 03:26...

My mother said "maybe he was talking about the scooter..."

Guttrunks said on Fri, 16 May 2025 at 16:46...

Was it your smoking cap and remarkable clay pipe that attracted the young gentleman's admiration, Cazique? It might have been a bottle of Sriracha he was eyeing, but we shall never know, unless you return to the souk, and seek him out in your electrified chariot.

Mama used to say, "Take your time young man"
Mama used to say, "Don't you rush to get old"
Mama used to say, "Take it in your stride"
Mama used to say, "Live your life"

During your return visit please take a look at any discounted Inverness cape they might have in XXL, the same for their range of Mother Hubbard dresses. Check the stitching and report back before purchasing. I am most obliged.

me said on Mon, 19 May 2025 at 19:49...

...

Dr. Wang said on Tue, 20 May 2025 at 08:29...

I am the Doctor’s valet, Lanyard.

You'll forgive me; I discovered your correspondence with the Doctor while frantically searching the Lord’s folio for a reputable physician ashore.

Cazique has been stricken with a most violent melancholy. As a precaution, we have removed all door locks from his quarters. The Doctor is presently being examined by the Doctor and is confined to his suite, where he reclines upon the fainting couch with a compress of rosewater and camphor applied to his brow.

I am now contemplating the temporary relocation of the revolving pistol he keeps in his bedside drawer, owing to certain recent expressions of theatrical despair.

It is my belief that this episode was precipitated by His Majesty’s unexpected request for an internal combustion automobile upon his first arrival. Please advise.

Yours, with grave discretion,
Lanyard Quincy-Butterwhack

P.S. Pray forgive me, but I must also report that the much-anticipated shipment of Seville marmalade has regrettably failed to arrive with the last cargo. The Doctor’s spirits seem all the more affected by this grievous omission. Might I implore your assistance in ascertaining its whereabouts?

P.P.S. Regarding His Lordship’s recent entreaty concerning Inverness capes and Mother Hubbard dresses in sizes most prodigious, I shall endeavor to inspect each garment for signs of clandestine heraldry, possible wormholes, or ill-advised applications of epaulettes, before embarking upon any sartorial acquisitions. I shall scrutinize the stitching with the utmost diligence before committing to any purchase, and further updates shall follow posthaste.

Dr. Wang said on Wed, 21 May 2025 at 18:23...

My good Baron,

Please disregard the alarming tone of my manservant’s prior correspondence. Lanyard is a faithful creature, but regrettably prone to embroidery when unattended near the brandy decanter.

I categorically deny that anything is amiss. I was merely in dispose- not indisposed, mind you, but momentarily delayed- a perfectly rational state- owing to an unfortunate misunderstanding involving the ship’s experimental atmospheric suit. It appears one is not meant to test such apparatus while reclining in a Turkish bath. The resulting pressure differential rendered me briefly immobile and, I’ll admit, lightly basted. A minor mechanical misadventure, not uncommon when travelling with prototypes.

There is no cause for alarm. The fainting couch was employed purely out of convenience, and not- I repeat, not- due to any spasmodic fit of the vapours. The compress was simply to mitigate an unfortunate welt acquired while extricating myself from the mechanism with a dessert fork.

The revolving pistol remains precisely where I keep it: in the drawer, unrevolved. I am in excellent spirits, and find the entire affair wildly overstated.

I must confess, I was rather taken aback by His Majesty’s insistence upon acquiring conveyance of the motorized variety. The initial quotation for passage was a staggering $12,000 from a certain German gentleman identified only by the cryptic sobriquet ‘Uber.’ (or perhaps it was an enterprising local rental service- I’m often unsure, as the lad’s dispatches can be so vague), thereby rendering the outright purchase of a mechanical carriage a more judicious enterprise. His Majesty has intimated further that such a vehicle is not merely a convenience, but a necessity- lest our companionship as fellow travelers be revealed, and we suffer the indignity of being stoned to death!

Yours, ever sound of mind and body,
Cazique, PhDong., etc.

P.S. Have you received word of the marmalade? The ship’s steward muttered something about an embargo, which I believe to be a fabrication.

P.P.S. I support your pursuit of the Inverness and the Hubbard, though I urge caution. Do pinch the hems before committing to anything in a seersucker.

Dr. Wang said on Thu, 22 May 2025 at 13:25...

Gutty, Let me ask you this; Regarding the name of this venture, are we married to LadyGarden? I was thinking "Man Batch" might be a better branding opportunity.

Senorita Lola said on Fri, 23 May 2025 at 14:17...

The LadyGarden Toilet Doily Trading Corporation

Bored Meeting 22.05.25
Cabeza de Pija Pizza
TEGUCIGALPA

Attendance:
Global CEO Cazique Dorcas Nimrod Wang (via Telex)
President: Baron Zebedee Gutt Runks, M.A.
Vice President: Baroness Samson Pedro de Chingar

Secretary:
Senorita Lola Chingar

Advisor: The Most Reverend Máquina de Coser, Bishop of Bonita

Members:

His Majestic Highess Prince Dogbag Amin Dada Oumee
Senor Alfredo Stroessner III

A Quorum was established.
The meeting was called to order at 6:09pm by Baron Gutt Runks.

Motion #9: (Cazique Wang)

Motion to accept the change of corporate name to

Man Batch Global Holdings Inc. (t/a NutSquirt)

5 in favor/0 opposed/1 abstention. Motion Carries

President Report

Constitution is finalized and was passed to all members of the committee and a copy will be submitted to Senorita Lola.

On August 12, 2025 at 4pm, the committee will first distribute a certain medicament to the Bonita Municipal Swimming Pool, Wang Town, in response to the outbreak in the male showers. Senor Alfredo offered to drive the van. An invoice for Aceite de Huevos Grandes (AHG) has been duly presented.

Vice President Report

Sam Pedro displayed various fruits and thanked everyone for their good wishes regarding his forthcoming nuptials to Baron Z. Further he presented a 45 page bridal registry.

Treasurer Report
The balances in our accounts are as follows:

69.07 PYG Paraguayan Guarani

We are still waiting for the invoice from Thong A Go Go, Vientiane, in regards to the out of court settlement.

Secretary’s Report
Senorita Lola had her hair dyed last Monday.

Motion #11:

(M. Gutt Runks/de Chingar) To allocate $10,000.00 in a Purchase Order to the Tegucigalpa Marriott Hotel to pay for hotel expenses and dining. To allocate a further $150,000.00 in a Purchase Order to Mr. Roarke and Mr. Nick Nack of Fantasy Island Weddings Inc.

2 in favor/ 4 opposed/0 abstentions. Motion Denied

Motion #12:

(M. Gutt Runks/de Chingar) To allocate $75,000 in a cash advance to Baron Zebedee Gutt Runks, M.A. to pay for various expenses arising from negotiations, and so forth, in regards to

T House Knee Pad patent.

2 in favor/4 opposed/0 abstentions. Motion Denied

Motion #13:

(M. Gutt Runks/de Chingar) To allocate $15,000.00 per person for meals in a cash advance to all persons present.

6 in favor/0 opposed/0 abstentions. Motion Carries

Announcements

Baron Zebedee Gutt Runks, M.A. announced: that he had donated his collection of fly whisks to The Smithsonian Institution. That Samson Pedro's unseemly rash had been cured by a "marvelous medicament" of his own concoction.

Respectfully submitted by:

Lola

Dr. Wang said on Sat, 24 May 2025 at 03:01...

This is most joyous news! I'm certain the change of appellation to Man Batch Global Holdings Inc. (t/a NutSquirt) will usher in a new epoch of strategic obfuscation, fiscal acrobatics, and brand confusion so complete that not even Interpol will be able to pin down the paper trail.

May "Man Batch" come to represent not just a holding company, but a holding pattern for plausible deniability. Let the stock certificates be printed in Comic Sans, the board minutes redacted preemptively, and the mission statement translated exclusively into Esperanto.

Truly, a name for the ages - bold, enigmatic, and ever so slightly moist.

To the Batch!

———

Apropos of nothing, I take “Wang Town” to be a double entendre of sorts.
I assume it refers, quite pointedly, to the esteemed Andrew Aanglin -proprietor of StormFront, and its successor The Daily Stormer - a gentleman whose political positions, I must confess, I find rather agreeable. In particular, I heartily support his notion of concentrating all homosexuals into a dedicated camp of sorts, where they may be kept in proper bondage.

Dr. Wang said on Sat, 24 May 2025 at 03:03...

If it pleases the tribunal of taste and breaches of conduct…

Lords, Ladies, and Unindicted Co-Conspirators…

It is my profound honor - and marginal legal risk - to offer a toast to our most beloved union:
That of Baron Zebedee Gutt Runks, M.A., and Baroness-Consort Samson Pedro de Chingar, Hereditary Custodian of the Back Passage.

The Chingars — proof that love conquers all, including basic decency and common sense.

To the Chingars:

May your honeymoon be free of splinters, scheduling conflicts, and extradition treaties.
May your domicile soon echo with the pitter-patter of little Chingaritos.
May your secrets always require aliases - and offshore accounts.
And may your shared love endure, like a hastily silenced scandal - in whispered legend and sealed court records.

To the happy Chingars!

ALBERTA DE PELIGRO said on Sat, 24 May 2025 at 12:53...

Mensaje de gran importancia para los residentes de Bordos de Libertinos, Rivera Hernandez.

(Eng)

Any person who has had physical contact with the following persons:

Z. Gutt Runks aka Dr Dandelion
Máquina de Coser
Dogbag Mbilingani Kubwa

Should immediately contact Doctor Juan Pinzas (Departamento de Enfermedades Contagiosas).

Any person who has purchased Agua del Lago Ricki or Dr Dandelion's Tintura de Ano de Hormiga Roja should similarly contact Doctor Juan Pinzas as a matter of urgency.

WESTERN UNION said on Sat, 24 May 2025 at 19:57...

URGENT – PUNTA GORDA OFFICE (CHARGES C.O.D.)
DATE: 26 MAY 2025
TO: BARON ZEBEDEE GUTT RUNKS, M.A.
RE: SS VERGÜENZA SANTA – PUBLIC NOTICE

STOP REGRET TO INFORM SS VERGÜENZA SANTA HAS RUN AGROUND OFF LA COSTA MALDITA STOP
IMPACT OCCURRED AT 0400 HOURS UPON ARRECIFE DE LA DESHONRA NEAR CABEZA DE PENE LIGHTHOUSE STOP

SHIP NOW LISTING LAZILY TO PORT STOP
HULL INTACT BUT PASSENGERS MORTIFIED STOP

SEVERAL CRATES OF CONTRABAND AND UNMARKED DOCUMENTS NOW FLOATING TOWARD SHORE STOP

AUTHORITIES WARN LOCALS TO AVOID SHORELINE – STD RISK ELEVATED – STOP

CAPTAIN CHINGADURA DE LOS REMEDIOS ISSUED STATEMENT CITING NAVIGATIONAL ERROR DUE TO “UNFORESEEN INTERFERENCE BY UNHINGED PASSENGER CLAIMING TO BE DOCTOR” – STOP

MESSAGE FORMATTED WITH PAID PARAGRAPH BREAKS STOP
CHARGES BILLED TO MAN BATCH GLOBAL HOLDINGS INC ACCOUNT UNLESS REFUSED STOP

END OF MESSAGE

Senorita Lola said on Mon, 26 May 2025 at 17:20...

Dr Dandelion's Worm Tablet

A lozenge of unrivaled efficacy, furnishing a most agreeable method of administering Dr Dandelion's remedy for intestinal worm infestations. It is a perfectly safe and delicious to boot! Do not consume with alcohol. Can be used solely as a laxative to induce miraculous evacuations. 130 L

Dr Dandelion's Insect Death Powder

This powder is quite harmless to most animals, but unrivaled in slaughtering fleas, bugs, flies, cockroaches, beetles, gnats, mosquitoes, moths in furs, and every other species of insect in all stages of metamorphosis. Causes paralysis and stillbirth in female rats. Has minor adverse effects (alopecia) on certain species of cats, rabbit, and canaries (feather loss). Do not use in closed rooms, in the vicinity of the bedridden, or near candles. 110 L

Departamento para el Retiro de Ungüentos, Bálsamos y Aplicaciones Químicas Personales Peligrosas said on Mon, 26 May 2025 at 19:09...

Attn: Señorita Lola Chingar

Lamentamos informarle que el fabricante está retirando del mercado un tinte para vello púbico que usted adquirió recientemente, debido a efectos secundarios no previstos.

Se advierte a los usuarios que el producto en cuestión puede provocar:

Pérdida repentina de vello,

Alucinaciones auditivas y visuales,

Fallo cutáneo localizado.

Por favor, suspenda su uso de inmediato y conserve una muestra para su recolección por parte de los emisarios del Departamento.

Señorita Lola said on Mon, 26 May 2025 at 20:26...

Oh nooooooo ¿es el Ricki Lago Minge Dye 1000 en morado? ¡me lo regaló Herr Runks! El pobre señor Runks está en cuarentena por las monjas en la Isla de los Leprosos.

no somos mas que velas en el viento! oh como lloro por Papi Runks. Lloro tanto que pienso convertirme en miembro de una banda itinerante de Plañideras motociclistas

oh ¡ay de mí! estamos todos condenados lo que será de Sam Pedro y mamá

Sam Pedro Pedro de Chingar Runks said on Mon, 26 May 2025 at 21:55...

Food parcel can be sended to:

La Orden de las Hermanas Desordenadas y Delincuentes
Isla de los Leprosos, Bahía de Basura, Honduras.

Dr. Wang said on Wed, 28 May 2025 at 23:08...

Baron,

As I sit in my quarters, lulled by the slow rhythm of the tide and the persistent creaking of the hull (which I am assured is “not urgent”), I find myself once again in the comforting company of my desk.

It is hewn from solid African mahogany, polished to a scandalous sheen. I’ve taken it on every voyage—a constant companion, and the only thing aboard with curves I truly trust.

It has borne my correspondence, my regrets, and once, briefly, the still-warm hindquarters of a customs official who came to question me and stayed for tea.

In the long and fevered nights—when the crew mutters and the sea speaks in tongues—I find myself absently stroking it's beveled edge, tracing the natural striations with a sort of devotional awe. There is a particular knot near the left drawer that resembles either a walnut or a face frozen in horror, depending on one’s mood. I adore it.

There is a peculiar satisfaction, Baron, in stroking one’s wood at sea.

I do it daily. Sometimes hourly, when the weather is particularly disagreeable. Just a slow, deliberate pass of the hand across the grain. It centers me. The crew pretends not to notice, but I suspect they admire my technique.

There is a richness to the grain you simply don’t find in modern materials—deep, dark, and unyielding under pressure. I trust I needn't tell you, as you are so familiar with my temperament, it has taken quite a pounding!

When at last we meet, I should like to show it to you in person.

With unflagging respect and a healthy shine,

—The Doctor

Señorita Lola said on Thu, 29 May 2025 at 21:41...

Papi Runks es detenido por las monjas, que exigen una indemnización tras la misteriosa enfermedad de muchos animales, entre ellos pollos, cerdos y gatos. Los árboles frutales también se marchitan tras haber sido cuidados por el Barón. La prensa local dice que su «Fertilizante Milagroso» es radiactivo, los pescadores locales también informan de bancos de peces muertos, y algunos pueblos de la zona han perdido las cejas. Se produce una pelea entre el Barón y la Madre Superiora, y Papi resulta herido por una botella. Sam Pedro llora todo el día, y Mama Chingar vuelve a beber.

Dr. Wang said on Fri, 30 May 2025 at 00:03...

Señorita Lola,

Confío en que esta nota le encuentre razonablemente intacta.

Por favor, transmita el comunicado adjunto al Barón a la mayor brevedad posible. Entiendo que su situación actual puede implicar movimiento restringido, vigilancia intensificada o las consecuencias imprevistas de un duelo botánico localizado. Sea como sea, es imprescindible que reciba mi mensaje completo (incluyendo las notas al pie — él sabrá por qué).

También le ruego que transmita a su querida madre mis más sinceras condolencias. La recaída nunca es agraciada, pero he oído que puede realizarse con considerable estilo si se lleva el sombrero adecuado. Que su botella siempre esté llena y que sus arrepentimientos sean lo suficientemente pocos como para perderse.

En cuanto a los recientes rumores sobre radiación, mutaciones o cejas faltantes — no se preocupe. Estas cosas solo son alarmantes cuando afectan al pueblo de otro, y en cualquier caso, el cuerpo humano es sorprendentemente adaptable. Yo mismo una vez crecí un cuarto pezón tras pasar tiempo en el departamento local de radiología disfrazado de ficus en maceta durante una misión de vigilancia, y ahora casi ni lo noto. El truco está en la confianza.

Manténgase firme, querida niña. La tormenta pasará. O si no, dará la vuelta y exigirá tributo.

Baron Guttrunks,

Word has reached me—by way of a storm-battered courier gull, its eyes wild with unspoken trauma—of your most unjust and scandalous persecution at the hands of those habit-wearing harpies and their eyebrowless rural sympathizers.

To be detained, bottle-struck, and slandered merely for attempting to bring the miracle of growth (and occasional genetic novelty) to the animal and vegetal kingdoms? Outrageous. The nerve of these simpletons, shrieking about “radioactivity” and “spontaneous localized alopecia” as though it were not the price of progress.

At any rate, it is perhaps best if you were to confine your vocations to the only talents still at your disposal: companionship, and mopping. As for teaching, as the saying goes — “Education is what remains after ambition has fled,” and if there is one thing you possess in abundance, dear Baron...

I write you, My Lord, under humiliating constraints. I remain confined to my quarters after the regrettable navigational incident. I maintain the reef is not marked on any map, celestial or otherwise. The captain refuses to see reason, though I suspect envy is the true motive. I have the finest cabin on board, the finest desk (as you know), and—until recently—the only working door.

Nevertheless, I remain at your service.

In this hour of need, I offer to despatch to your location our mutual acquaintance, Father Pontiac Belvedere, formerly of the Jesuit Order, now a barrister of somewhat dubious standing. He harbors, shall we say, unresolved feelings toward the Mother Church, and would relish the opportunity to cross-examine a convent. Do not mind his left eye—it wanders, often toward altar boys… and unattended biscuits.

Furthermore, allow me to offer assistance to those misguided villagers now suffering from the eyebrow-deficiency allegedly caused by your product. I happen to have acquired, via legally inventive means, a consignment of eyebrow toupees in a variety of shapes: “The Arched Intrigue,” “The Farmer’s Suspicion,” and “The Widow’s Fury,” among them. I am prepared to offer these at a deep discount, particularly to entire villages willing to sign a medical release form absolving us of responsibility for how we may appear in any photographic documentation to come—be it unflattering, incriminating, or taken at an unfortunate angle.

For the fish—May I suggest a bouillabaisse, if a suitably sized kettle is found in time.

Let us not yield to this populist panic; let us, instead, pivot.

With eternal indignation and an open invoice,
—The Doctor

P.D. Señorita Lola,

Si necesita consuelo en estos tiempos difíciles, me complacería mucho enviarle un tupé para cejas de cortesía de su elección. ¿Podría recomendarle "La Furia de la Viuda"? Transmite tanto dignidad como disposición para lanzarse al ataque.

Además, un consejo: evite estar a solas con el Padre Belvedere en espacios confinados. Emaná un ligero aroma a Bromoformo y Paregórico, y una vez confundió a un tejón disecado con su confesor. Dicho esto, es brillante en la corte, siempre que consiga mantenerlo despierto.

Con cálidos saludos y preocupación mesurada,
—El Doctor

Sam Pedro Pedro de Chingar Runks said on Sun, 1 Jun 2025 at 16:18...

Papi is resealed from quarrytime in 48 horas we puta up ballon and color papers "Bienvenido a casa, cariño!" Mama is in bondage for the kitchen to make up the unsavory pastel de la dama peluda is sweet sour and made from fish meats with special sauce that Mama make herself only. i selecting only best fruit for my man mountain to enjoys, i take from my cart and i working now, so adios to all friend of Papi.

Dr. Wang said on Tue, 3 Jun 2025 at 00:54...

Splendid!
The thought of taking a seat and stuffing my face with Mama’s legendary Pastel de la Dama Peluda stirs something primal in me—possibly hunger, possibly dread. Either way, I’m salivating. I can scarcely contain my anticipation. The image of her alone in that rustic kitchen, conjuring her secret recipe, causes one’s imagination to reel.

Warmest regards,
—The Doctor

Sam Pedro Pedro de Chingar Runks said on Tue, 3 Jun 2025 at 21:06...

HOLA!! Papi R travel in special ambulance it is saying on the phone that not allowed on TAH becuase geiger counter is too high, there is nurse who travel with him in hazmat uniform.

it is tradition in me barrio to put a light in window when you want bring good luck and visitors with plata. today Mama display her pie in front window with red candle lamp and fairy? light from Navidad and is playing the music Camilo Sesto...i tidy our room to make nice for Papi R return, CUIDATE!!

Dr. Wang said on Tue, 3 Jun 2025 at 22:28...

Baron,
You, my luminous peer, have brought new luster to the old phrase “plata o plomo.”

Sam Pedro, my steadfast friend, I light a candle in kind—though only metaphorically, as fire regulations aboard ship are quite strict. Mama’s display is certain to lure many a curious seaman’s gaze; should their knocks grow insistent, I strongly recommend she draw her drapes closed tightly...

With bemused affection and professional detachment,
—The Doctor

Dr. Wang said on Wed, 4 Jun 2025 at 19:01...

When I was 19, my aunt gave me a t-shirt that said "I'm out of the loop, and that's the way I like it"
I didn't even understand what it meant. That's how out of the loop I was.

Dr. Wang said on Thu, 5 Jun 2025 at 16:25...

I've given this boy $20k so far- I never knew I could pull so much money out of my ass. I've been without a car for 5 years. A couple moths ago, I accidentally revealed my primary email address, and the next day someone tried resetting the password on my long dormant apple account. Surely a coincidence. I just recently gave him my home address, and this morning I gave him my mother's name.

I need to have my head examined.

He purses his plump, luscious lips, and he's like Svengali. He's so goddamned pretty. It's his ass that has me under his spell, though. Wow.

Sam Pedro Pedro de Chingar Runks said on Fri, 6 Jun 2025 at 09:13...

no news from Papi :-( i only hoping that some calamidad do not happen on CA-5 Norte, Mama's pie get mohoso in the sun. mi gringo amigo: i read on tickTok that nudo japonés is found in Papi's "Miracle Garden of the Hesperides" seed packets, is called Japan Knottyweed and make building fall down??? Mama is scream El día de los trífidos! gringo gordo y maloliente trae catástrofe! when she drinking. I upset and have no plata! i try to change dinero Papi give me but bank say Monoply is not Monoco Monte Carlo is NOT valid and laughing and saying i stupid tonto del culo

Sam Pedro Pedro de Chingar Runks said on Fri, 6 Jun 2025 at 09:39...

Papi call me 2 minute ago! he stay at Room 61 Motel Casas de Citas in Foso de Pulgas because ambulance is overload and weight break suspensión. also nurse loose cejas, but now he get helicopter like in MASH. it have two bed on side and fly to Teniente Coronel Hernán Acosta Mejía and landing tonight!!

Dr. Wang said on Sat, 7 Jun 2025 at 04:02...

My sympathies, dear friends, run deeper than Mama’s pie mold and nearly as green.

I’m relieved to hear Papi has resurfaced, albeit in Room 61 of the Casas de Citas, which sounds less like a recovery suite and more like a cautionary tale with scented candles. Still, progress is progress—even if it arrives in a M*A*S*H-style aircraft missing eyebrows and suspension integrity.

Regarding the “Miracle Garden of the Hesperides,” I must confess: I had hoped for golden apples, not invasive botanical doom. That Japanese knotweed made it into our seed packets is… regrettable. It was called “Vesper Vine” in the wholesale catalogue—it sounded mysterious, alluring, even vaguely ecclesiastical. In hindsight, perhaps too alluring.

As for the currency debacle, I shall dispatch a sternly worded letter to the Bank of Honduras on official stationery, demanding they recognize the emotional liquidity of Monopoly bills in moments of familial distress.

Until Papi lands—with or without his nurse—I remain,
Yours in solidarity, dourness, and civil liability,
—The Doctor

PS - Please assure Mama that no catastrophe brought by a fat, malodorous gringo is without its corresponding redemption arc—ideally one involving federal disaster relief and a strong disinfectant. Still, for the muttering old hag to refer to her son-in-law in such terms is… nothing short of operatic. One imagines her swaying in a cloud of cooking sherry and hair oil, cursing the heavens like a provincial Medea—if Medea had access to a pressure cooker and a battery-powered karaoke machine.
Let us hope her pie survives the sun a few hours longer, if only to avoid the flies developing sentience and unionizing.

Lola del Monte Bajo said on Sat, 7 Jun 2025 at 04:08...

Tengo un secretito para los chicos.
Que quieren saber si es el movimiento o el tamaño.
Pero si eres a quien elijo para ser el capitán de mi barco.
Si te metiera en mi océano, nena, ¿conducirías?
Sabes que estos chicos son rápidos en afirmar que son gigantescos.
Pero el tamaño no significa nada, ¡solo piensa en el Titanic!
Quizás pueda fingir.
Hacerte creer que estás haciendo daño.
¡Bostezo, simplemente no lo entiendes!

Dicen que no es el tamaño de tu barco,
Sino el movimiento en tu océano.
Chico, ahora rema.

Me dijiste que íbamos de crucero.
¿Cómo demonios terminamos en esta canoa?

Tengo otro secreto para los chicos.
Que son rápidos en presumir y siempre hablan de su tamaño.
Pero si mi habitación tuviera un cartel como el de una montaña rusa,
¿Serías demasiado pequeño para siquiera entrar? Porque sabes que estos tipos son rápidos
Para decirte que están empacando
La verdad es que no puedo verlo con lupas
Quizás con unas pinzas, podamos entrar en acción (Jaja, ja)
Y vaya que me hiciste reír

Dicen que no es el tamaño de tu barco
Sino el movimiento en tu océano
Chico, ahora rema
¡Ahora rema!
Dicen que no es el tamaño de tu barco
Sino el movimiento en tu océano
Chico, ahora rema
¡Ahora rema!